I have read several articles about anger and how to manage it. It is usually about how to improve your mood, and make you feel better, usually involves listening to calm music or watching/reading comedy. I’m somewhat not in the best mood right now, and I’m actually worst off after considering those ideas.
What if I don’t want to feel better?
What if I’m OK with holding this grudge, for as long as possible?
Sometimes I’m afraid that if I let it go, everything would turn back to what it used to be.
I don’t want that. The damage is done, no matter what, the scar is there and it still hurts.
If everything goes back to normal, it would seem as if nothing happened.
The blood stain would be wiped off and everything would be clean and shiny again.
If that happens, I’m pretty sure that the same old scars would eventually be cut deeper.
Better to keep the grudge in and be consciously aware that the scars exist, so that every time we see each other, the scars remind us of our conflict.
…………………………………………
To me, when I feel a lot of anger, I feel this burning-like sensation in my chest. At times I hate it, however there are times that I need it.
It makes me reflect on my decisions, actions and it also reminds me of my objectives in life.
After all, I am only who I am right now, because of the grudges I piled up inside me since the day I lost my innocence.
